Eric Tian

Today I found out that suicide is the leading cause of death in Australians aged 15-44. This statistic left me deeply troubled.

Throughout medical school, we are taught about conflicts within the body; stuff like cancers, coronary heart diseases or COPD. In these cases, the struggle is between a person and an invading problem. The patient is trying to survive against disease.

But in suicidal cases, the person isn’t necessarily trying to survive. How much loneliness, internal trauma and unsaid conversations have they stored up, just waiting to collapse on them? How many masks must they wear to hide their inner demons? How many were pushed over the edge by one unfortunate misunderstanding, and could have been saved with just one small act of kindness? The ruminations are terribly endless.

To quote from Life of Pi:

Some poor lost soul had arrived on these terrible shores before me. How much time had he – or was it she? – spent here? Weeks? Months? Years? How many forlorn hours in the arboreal city with only meerkats for company? How many dreams of a happy life dashed? How much hope come to nothing? How much stored-up conversation that died unsaid? How much loneliness endured? How much hopelessness taken on? And after all that, what of it? What to show for it?

Nothing but some enamel, like small change in a pocket.

Tonight, my soul mourns for the loneliness and unsaid conversations lost across time and space.

One of the saddest things about life is how little of it we remember. We don’t remember half of it. We don’t even remember half of half of it. To be honest, not even a tiny percentage of life is stored away in our brains. It’s sad to imagine that moments that were so precious in a past moment have been lost, disappeared into nothingness.

If you asked me to write down a list of memories from when I was six, I would really struggle. I don’t remember the name of my teacher or who my best friend was. I don’t remember what food I ate, what games I played or what books I read. And this makes me sad because if nobody – including you – remembers that you did something, I’m not sure you can say you really did it. It’s like that event never happened at all.

This is the fuel for why I obsessively journal. Every day, there’s an anxious part of me that needs to write my life down as evidence. If I don’t record something to affirm my existence right now, then who I am now might not exist in the future. The memory gives this event life.

When I was little, I watched a movie where Santa exists but will only survive if people believe he exists. If nobody believes in him, Santa disappears. The movie is focused around the last kid who believes in Santa and how desperately Santa tries to make the kid hold onto his faith.

I thought the movie was stupid then, but now I kind of get it. We are simultaneously Santa as we don’t want to be forgotten, and the kid as we don’t want to forget something precious.

Psychologists call this fear of forgetting athazagoraphobia. At the end of the day, it’s probably just vanity.

See more at if a tree falls from a forest.

Here’s a hypothesis I came across recently:

Some books have a centripetal force – they suck you in from other books.

Others have a centrifugal force – they spin you out into other books.

For instance, The Little Prince is a centripetal book to me. I often see it referred to in blog posts, quotes and other books. For this reason, I find myself returning to it, time and time again. It continuously sucks me in.

On the other hand, The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness is a centrifugal book. This piece draws insights from other books and encourages the reader to look for them. After reading it, I found myself hungry for the origin of these ideas.

Both types books are valuable; neither is necessarily better than the other. Furthermore, these categories may differ from person to person: one reader’s centrifugal book could be another’s centripetal and vice versa. Some books could even do both sucking in and spinning out.

In my experience, I find non-fiction books tend to be the centrifugal type. These often summarise ideas from different areas and encourage the reader to explore more. In the other hand, fiction books tend to be more centripetal. There’s something brilliant about a good story that seems to suck people in from all walks of life.

There are also some books that do neither of these things: they don’t move you in any way or spin you at all.

These books are to be avoided.

If some film directors told you they wanted to turn your life into a movie, what would you want in it?

Would the actor behave differently to the person you are now? What events would you include? What hardships would you make your movie self take?

This is the premise of the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life – my favourite book of 2021 so far. It is a hilarious and thoughtful book that calls all to a more meaningful life. The author, Don Miller, suggests that any good story requires this recipe:

A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

Let’s break this down.

1. A character

Hey, that’s you! But who are you?

Maybe you’re Harry Potter – the nerdy kid under 4 Privet Drive. You have abusive guardians and live under a staircase. But one day, you find out you’re a wizard and you receive an invitation to go to a magical school. Nice!

But that’s not interesting enough for a story. There must be more.

2. …who wants something

What do you want? What will the world remember you for?

If you’re Harry Potter, perhaps you’d like to win a Quidditch game, learn more about your parents or take down an evil wizard. Cool!

But everybody has stuff they want. That’s not interesting enough for a good story. We must have more.

3. …and overcomes conflict

How far will you go to get what you want?

If you’re Harry Potter, you will need to overcome incredible adversity. You will need to grieve your mentor’s death. You will need to overcome three-headed giant dogs. You will need to battle against the strongest dark wizards in the world. All of this takes immense courage. Yet, it’s all important for the sake of a good story.

However though this is pretty great, we’re not quite at a good story yet. We need one more piece.

4. …to get it.

Do you succeed, or fail? How did you change from it?

If you’re Harry Potter, you succeeded! You defeated the strongest dark wizard in the world. You made some great friends. You matured in ways you could’ve never imagined. Congratulations!

But there was an immense cost. You faced challenges that nearly killed you. You lost friends and family in the process. You will probably never recover from your physical and mental scars.

But these experiences shaped you into a person worth writing about. And that is what made your story worth sharing.

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After reading this book, I thought back on my own life and wondered if it would make a good movie. And then I realised that my life wasn’t that interesting.

What part of the piece was missing? The answer came quickly. Step 3: overcoming conflict.

I’m fairly grounded in who I am (a character). I also have dreams and things I want to do in the world (who wants something). The problem is, I’m damn lazy sometimes and often back down in the face of conflict. And that means my life really isn’t all that worth writing about.

A good story requires one to overcome conflict. Harry Potter easily could’ve lived a peaceful life at Hogwarts, doing ordinary student stuff and learning some benign spells here and there. But that would’ve been boring. Nobody would read that.

If we want to leave this world with interesting stories, it’s not enough to reflect and have goals. We must show courage and embrace discomfort to get it. Often, it’s the easy stuff that prevents us from telling better stories.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story can be found here. Credits to Lynn for the recommendation!

If your sleep schedule is from 12 to 8am like mine, 11 is a scary number.

If the time is 11am, you’re aware that three hours of your waking day has passed. If you haven’t done anything useful so far, that’s three hours of your day wasted. You can do a lot in five minutes, let alone three hours.

On the other hand, if you see that the time is 11pm, you’re aware that you have to sleep very soon. This is when you think back on what you’ve accomplished since 8am and if it’s not much, you have a mild panic attack. Now you’re faced with a dilemma: scramble to finish a whole day’s work in one hour, or skip it and leave it for tomorrow’s self who will hate you for it. Either one sucks.

Here are some other reasons why 11 is scary:

When you’re 11 years old, you’re in that weird time in your life when you’re not really a kid anymore but still a bit too young to think for yourself. Which means that people expect you to be somewhat “grown-up” but you’re still 11 so you just pretend you’re someone you’re not.

11 is the atomic number for the element sodium, which is troublesome in physiology because so many ion channels in the body are Na+ channels.

11 is the smallest two-digit prime number. Prime numbers give me menacing vibes in general. A number which cannot be divided by anything other than one is to be feared.

11 is the numerical month of November, which is always examination period. If you’re born in October (10) like me, November is also a great guilt reminder that “hey look, a month has passed – how are those resolutions going?”

And this concludes my point: 11 is a scary number.

We’ve all heard of hedonism, or the pursuit of pleasure. People with hedonistic tendencies prioritise two things: themselves and what feels good.

The often neglected brother of hedonism is eudaimonism, or the pursuit of good. People with eudaimonistic tendencies prioritise two things: humans and doing good.

Self-help books love to criticise hedonists. These authors often label hedonistic acts as stupid as these fail to consider long-term consequences. “Do what your future self would thank you for”, as the saying goes. In other words, choose eudaimonism. To prove their point, authors use extreme examples to illustrate the importance of being eudaimonistic.

Hedonistic	Eudaimonistic
Choosing a job for the money	Choosing a job for its impact on the world
Eating fast food	Eating healthier, less tasty food
Procrastinating on a task	Doing what you’re meant to be doing

But let’s hold on a second. There is one glaring problem here.

Often, the line between hedonism and eudaimonism is blurred because of the simple but critical question: what does it mean to do good? Perhaps it means to better the world. Right, but in what way? The Christian might tell you that doing good means spreading the gospel to the ends of the Earth. The animal rights activist might tell you that doing good means eliminating animal suffering by humans. The artist might tell you that doing good means making good art.

The point is that good is different for everybody and without knowing other people’s values, criticising hedonism is dishonest. If your definition of good involves being happy, hedonism is inseparable from your goals.

So perhaps we should stop telling people to “reject short-term pleasure for long-term good”, as this is vague and difficult to apply. Instead, a better rule of thumb might simply be: follow your values.

If you were to say chocolate ice-cream sucks, nobody would take that as a universal truth. We all understand what you really mean is you think chocolate ice-cream sucks.

Yet, why do we enjoy hearing blanket statements about the world like life is meaningless or people are mean? Do human laws make life easier to manage, like mathematics? Is there comfort in believing your experience isn’t unique; that you are not alone?

But let’s take a step back.

If you say life is meaningless, you probably think your life is meaningless. It doesn’t mean that everyone else’s is. If you say people are mean, you probably think people in your life are mean. It doesn’t mean everybody is. Like chocolate ice-cream, your subjective experience is purely that – subjective.

When we make a big claim, it’s helpful to consider does that really apply to everyone? Some – like mathematics – might. Some might not. The ultimate irony is, it’s up to you to decide.

When I was in high school, I thought everyone over the age of 20 was old. In my mind, there existed only little people (<12); normal people (12-19); and old people (20+).

But then of course, I turned 20. That was a sad day.

It’s strange how fast time flies. One moment, you’re lost in one chapter of your life and in the blink of an eye, you wake up in the middle of another chapter. What happened in between? Were you in a coma? This phenomenon of time flying past can be terrifying.

One antidote I’ve found to time flying past is to look for novelty. In Moonwalking with Einstein, Joshua Foer suggests a simple habit to stretch out time:

Monotony collapses time; novelty unfolds it. You can exercise daily and eat healthy and live a long life, while experiencing a short one. If you spend your life sitting in a cubicle and passing papers, one day is bound to blend unmemorably into the next – and disappear. That’s why it’s important to change routines regularly, and take vacations to exotic locales, and have as many new experiences as possible that can serve to anchor our memories. Creating new memories stretches out psychological time, and lengthens our perception of our lives.

Upon reflection, the times I’ve felt large chunks of time fly past are when I’ve been stuck in a routine. Some examples include grinding 8-hour study days in undergrad and working full-time over a summer break. All the days look the same. There is nothing new to break up the monotony.

But whenever a worthy challenge or adventure emerges, time slows down. The moments I’ve felt the most in-tune with the world are when I’m at the top of a spectacular mountain, learning a new skill or trying a new hobby. Time shrinks to the present moment.

As a child, it’s easy to treat every moment with slow, wide-eyed wonder because everything is new. Perhaps the reason time feels faster as we age is because we have fewer novel experiences.

Routines are great for productivity, but novelty might be essential for the soul.

I don’t know what to write. In the last hour, I’ve started over 50 sentences but have deleted them all. Hello there writer’s block – we meet again.

In desperate need for inspiration, I open my Kindle highlights and scan for any writing prompts. But everything is either uninteresting to me right now or would take too long to write on.

As I’m on the verge of giving up, one highlight from a book I read years ago shines out to me. It’s from Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within – an appropriate title for my situation, I guess. The quote goes like this:

When you write, don’t say, “I’m going to write a poem.” That attitude will freeze you right away. Sit down with the least expectation of yourself; say, “I am free to write the worst junk in the world.” You have to give yourself the space to write a lot without a destination.

Reading this was oddly comforting. When you start doing something a lot, there’s this expectation that the quality of your work must increase with time – that each iteration must be better than the one before. But life is rarely so linear. There are ups and downs, highs and lows; times you feel inspired and times where you just want to nap. Right now, I just want to nap.

So here I am, back to writing unedited junk. And it’s great fun. Let’s hope the next post will be better.

Imagine you’re walking along a street one night and you see a house on fire. The house is lit up in bright-red flames and black smog creep up the sky like a huge cloud. You grab your phone and dial 000, to which the receiver asks you, “police, fire or ambulance?” What do you say first?

You’d probably say fire. While there are likely people with burns that require medical treatment, the main problem is the fire. It doesn’t matter if you bring 50 ambulances – if you don’t put out the flames, they will continue raging on until the whole town evacuates or gets burned down as well.

The root cause of the problem is the fire. The people with burns is the symptom.

The scenario above seems obvious enough. Yet in many cases, it’s tempting to address the symptoms instead of the causes of a problem. Consider these cases:

• Caffeine addresses fatigue (symptom), which is usually due to poor sleep hygiene (cause).
• Medicine addresses disease (symptom), which is usually due to unhealthy lifestyle choices (cause).

These “solutions” are band-aids. We are ignoring the main fire burning away. Only addressing the true causes can lead to the proper resolution of a problem.

The next time a conflict arises, let’s think of ways to solve the root of the problem, not just the symptoms.